October 09, 2013
Upon reviewing my entries in my personal journal, I observe that I find it hard to make peace with myself. Every day I question the worth of the things I do and try to put them in a bigger perspective. It seems as if what I am, along with the habits and activities I do, is so far from being what I believe a human being with a special and meaningful contribution in this planet should be. I am in a constant battle to feel functional and significant.
Before, I always looked at others and figure out their shining qualities. Instead of being inspired, I always channeled my energy towards insecurity and unhealthy competition just to hurt myself in the process. This was not serving me well. That was the time I told myself, “Oops, stop it. I need change.” What’s left is to find new experience to pull myself out of this rut. From then on, I found out that the key is improving and fine tuning myself everyday to be what I am meant to be.
I had this limiting belief that I cannot do the things I really wanted. I was conditioned to be someone else out of expectations. For a very long while, I was very afraid to get out of this framework because I thought I’d let people down. Living out of somebody’s skeleton is so tiring and, little by little, I let go of the pressure and convinced myself that I can move towards what I believe is what I can be. I had to reconnect to my core to listen to what I want to do in life. I joined many workshops that I never dared to join out of fear when I was younger. It may be late in my age but this is better than achieving nothing of my own definition. From this continuous soul searching stemmed three wonderful realizations:
I obtained new knowledge. By that, I mean knowledge for more than the academic sense of it. I fare better in my communication skills now. I meet people that may be good references in the future for either personal or professional purposes. I have improved my patience, open-mindedness, work habits, and time management. I also removed the barriers that had been limiting me for years.
I have trusted myself more and more because of my stronger belief in my stretched out capabilities. As I have built new connections outside my own world, I feel better about myself. I could face the crowds better as opposed to the former shy person I was. I am more confident and devoted to the decisions I make and will still commit. Sometimes, however, I still have bouts of anger and insecurities but slowly I learn to manage them. I have something to build a good foundation on and this is something that must be developed.
In turn, I can inspire others. A few of the people I am friends with tell me how they aspire to do the things I do. However, I dare not feed my ego out of this greatness. I have a vision to inspire others on a larger scale. I have always felt that I have a very big debt to society. I am only one of the many who have been lucky to be born with opportunities and I feel responsible to share them to the less privileged. In the near future, I hope that I use my developed talents into good causes. I did not dig my treasures from hibernation to bury them once again.
To feel better, we must tap into our inner resources. Most of us do not have a clue what we are supposed to be. It only takes a little bit of digging. It is a treasure hunt which consists of exploring the unknown, climbing down into the uncomfortable, and clawing through the dirt. Once our talents are unearthed, we feel better and build a better sense of the self and our capabilities. Who knows, someone might be in need of inspiration. The newly improved you may be that one.
*Special thanks to TalkShop for challenging me to write this essay.