I always tell myself I deserve a quality education from a good school. However, there is a miniscule reason that does not permit me from doing this: a seemingly unnoticeable but heinous and scandalous *insert profanities here* ZERO. My failure back in college only happened once due to low self-esteem and self-imposed anxiety. The grade given to me was understandable if you really knew what happened during the state that I was at. Eventually, I learned to cope a bit and regained my momentum in an almost hopeless frame of mind. However, it did not affect me at first. Slowly, it began to sink in. It acted like a brand, a permanent stain in me. Suddenly all the application processes of my intended second degree courses demanded a preview of my grades to be subjected under extreme scrutiny. The special intelligence and passion suddenly drops down. Deflates. Nil. Zero. Nada. Nothing. My head up in the clouds suddenly smashes into a million pieces on the ground. It degrades and rots in me to the core because that time I did not know of the consequences of my supposed wise plans. I was a stupid naive boy with no vision and made irrational immature decisions. Yes, I was able to nullify its weight on my cumulative grade just to find out that it is of no effect in my “academic standing.”
Then looms my inadequacy. I could not keep it off my head. That scandalous piece of number hidden within the transcript of grades. It nauseates me. It debases me and makes me want to rip myself apart. This reaction maybe over the top but I know you could understand why I feel this way. Why would someone discount a person when he fails just once?
But then, the world is not a nice place. You cannot really ask it all with arms wide open. Those who can act happy and pleasant get all the great attention. And the ones who are affected by neglect and hatred are misunderstood and stereotyped. Is this what my world has come to, embittered, despaired, and stuck?
I often ask myself a list of good qualities I can offer to the world. But all the shitty decisions I made before just sailed me further away from all the possibilities and opportunities. My situation demotivated and annoyed me. Now, I suffer the consequences.
Really? Is there no hope left?
I paused after writing that previous line. Is my worth actually reduced into this number? Is my value really synonymous to nothing? Will I let my actions and decisions be mediocre because of the mediocre actions of the past? Will I let this symbol of non-existence pull me down and define me? Am I actually agreeing to this?
I do not think so.
I remembered why I have learned to write in the first place. I forgot to look at the other exits. I forgot to be resourceful and strategic as most of my blog posts advice. I have no art degree but I am smart and eager to learn. No amount of beating will keep me from being true to myself. My personality is throbbing to burst out despite all forces of nature to mask it.
I read about short courses, diploma and certificate courses. Our lives are based on how we navigate through the waters and not on the tangible achievements we make. At the end of the day, we will die and rot and people who know us will move on and forget about us. Why not be a manufacturer of inspiration? If not for others, can’t I improve things for myself?
A simple snap disrupted my anxiety. I just have to swallow my pride and verge into the unknown. I will not let others define me. No person, circumstance, or tiny piece of zero in a transcript of grades will ever define me.
I know I can do this. I have to do this. I will do this.