So Much Time Spent In My Head

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Isn’t it irritating if you are a natural thinker and you spend so much time in your head to the point that you have conversations entirely to yourself? Was I completely used to being a loner that I have tons of imaginary conversations that run entirely on loop or in perpetuity that sometimes when I sit on a very lengthy commute, tired commuters resting from a long stressful day would find me musing and silently laughing at myself, sometimes coupling it with words that are absolutely and ridiculously random without understanding the context? Is is worth it to be a talker than to be a thinker?

No offense made, okay, maybe slightly. I think that we must not judge people because we do not know what they have gone through for each of us do not share the same kind of circumstances. However, it is unfair that a lump sum of similar attitudes and behavior make up what is to be acceptable and normal and right. Being a thinker and not a talker had made me keener and more filtered and intelligent in making decisions and statements but without the conversationalist side of it, these thoughts would amount to nothing.

Which led me into the idea of having to carry a notebook around just to write my thoughts in. BUT, I often go into my mind wanderings on situations which wouldn’t make me comfortable to write. For example, in cramped public utility vehicles it is awkward for me to reach in my bag and create a space for my arms to move while writing because public vehicles are meant for maximum space usage which requires to pack people as much as possible, especially in overly populated city called Manila.

Another instance is when I get into my daydreaming states. An overly self-identified INFP (an MBTI personality category), I have the tendency to suffer long bouts of escapism through imagination. Long walks would make me fancy myself in a thriller movie with that Mission Impossible like theme song on the background coupled with measured confident strides wishing for a black trench coat that moves against the imaginary wind. I often would say lines and conversations in my head with other co-actors.

Also, when I lay in my bed and all these fucked up situations and over thinking plagues me, I get lazy to sit up and write. It seems as if there is an appropriate outlet for certain kinds of thoughts and emotions and I was not really taught to express myself freely growing up. It is exhausting and annoying.

Is it worth it to stay like this? Sometimes, yes, if I grew up in an environment friendly to the thinker types. People who do not ridicule the gentle and the tacit male. However, the gentle, sensitive males are often pushed outside the cool zone being called names even by the ones who must have given them support, say, people close to home. I know that there is an environment out there which can make people like me foster and grow. This is not it. Maybe then I will be more forgiving and accepting to myself. So, yeah, as of now, I say that I am uncomfortable being an thinker but there are a lot of opportunities out there, and it is a long worthwhile search.

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