Meta-Criticism

The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters, 1799, Francisco Goya

The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters, 1799, Francisco Goya

My brain just won’t shut up. It is filled with malice and distrust. It is annoying and disconcerting. I am a conceited, selfish, condemning bastard. I do not have the right to judge people according to their actions but this critic just knows how to break through all self-control. It is more than the subconscious acting on me because it has always been a way of life for me. Everything and everyone is not special enough to satisfy me. My soul has been barred from unltimate satisfaction because of these ghouls. It projects shame and blame on myself and others, the very thing that keeps me from fostering. How will I ever get out of this perpetual churning of criticism?

I want to experience happiness through being inspired by the circumstances around me. I want to hustle and bustle through life without thinking about what is in it for me and think about what I can contribute instead. I want to develop the habit of not finding fault in others just to think highly about myself. I want to see this world as a place full of hope and love. I want this world to be a place that I want to be in instead of thinking about recluse and fear brought about by dissatisfaction. I do not want to torment myself anymore.

I want a role model that heals and fosters growth, not someone who presses someone’s fault onto my face. I want someone who’ll bring out the best in me and not someone who stresses my incapacities. I want someone who sees me and not someone who always hacks my ego with a scythe.

I want to be loved so that I can share love. I want to be accepted to widen my acceptance and boost my tolerance. I want to be me to show the world what better place it is through what I can bring.

My conscience is stirred everytime I realize that I unmindfully cast poor judgement upon others as it is not fair and just. May I learn the importance of compassion and empathy for each human beings are born naked and pure. No amount of status or attribute will exempt us from feeling and suffering the same human experience nor will raise us above some erected throne. My perceptions control how I view the world and a overly criticizing attitude will prevent me from being content with the bounty of life given to me and everyone else.

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Quest for The Complete Package

I have always been on the brink of loss, as if something astonishing or something big and defining has been deprived of me or taken away. It’s as if something is still not there, just like a massive chunk of jigsaw pieces still left scattered, yet to be solved. I have always wondered how I have come to be this young man possessing a cortex of imaginative activity that, instead of triggering the mind to think about changing the world, thinks about how I should change myself to be good enough.

I have always felt the need to play the role of another, literally copying what another’s defining attribute seem to be, hoping to get the same kind of attention. Sometimes, I’d literally ask for attention by doing things outside of my comfort zone just to make others like me. I defined being like-able as a number game: the frequency of interactions with other people, the number of times people approach a person, the number of social media activity with its responses (a dreadful measure, really), and how much a name gets tangled up in both honest chatter and savvy gossiping.

However, what I have observed about likability is something that opened my mind and has got me thinking a lot: it all starts from home. It is how the basic forefront in my upbringing that determines how others treat me. How I view myself is how I allow others to view me as and how I view myself as is how my earliest influences view me. It makes sense then that people who are likable and “popular” has been liked by some, at least, in the best possible way.

Acceptance matters. But up to now, i don’t feel such in myself. There is this silent force within me that shuns me when I’m about to speak my mind. There is an invisible force that wraps around my body when it wants to be genuinely daring and feisty. There is this need to always be polite and “good.” Submission and disregard for one’s own favor which has been brought about by ineffective familial system. A basic foundation that tells you to maintain tons of criteria to be worthy of existence continuously from an early age up to present adulthood causes an almost permanent heartbreak that manifests early on in early human development that haunts it remains and echos to the present.

I know it’s too late for me to talk about this considering my current adulthood but isn’t it time to demand attention and ultimately acceptance?

I think that I deserve to be of worth, respect, and love and I will work on my fears and my anxieties that have rooted from the lack of acceptance imprinted upon me by the people who I should be looking up to. After the storms have finished raging inside me will I live that I am good enough to be liked and loved by the people I choose. After all the hurt have been healed will I learn that a better life awaits me. Maybe then will I find the genuineness and worth that I will use to be of good influence to those around me.

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This post is part of the Zero-to-Hero blogging series. This is Day 6. I have to catch up, I know.
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Lesson Learned the Hard Way: Make Reading a Habit

La Liseuse (The Reader), 1776, by Jean-Honoré Fragonard

La Liseuse (The Reader), 1776, by Jean-Honoré Fragonard

One thing that I wish I had developed more as a child is the interest of reading. I was particularly an imaginative kid, full of daydreams about different worlds, changing personas, and composing conflicts and resolutions just for escape. Looking back, I find it as a wasted opportunity that, having that ability to create fantasy and wonder, I was not given a crutch to support that throbbing desire to dissolve into another world or cast a net to let my wandering mind be more directive. Large texts intimmidated me because at that time I really did not want to read textbooks assignments from school because I largely relied on the teacher’s explanations because of my preferred visual acquiring of knowledge. I always resorted to daydreaming instead of reading. Although I think that daydreaming is good, little did I know  back then that not habing the habit to read proved to be detremental to learning.

When I reached high school, I was submerged into an unfamiliar territory. I came from a school being a high achiever, mostly relying on teachers’ lectures and explanations, and eventually ended up as one of the top students of the batch. Now, at that high school, students were carefully selected for my high school and we were known to be a collection of smarts. I entered this revered science high school, mingling with people who were always on top of their games: know a lot, absorb information a lot, asked questions and raised hands for answers a lot, did homeworks and readings a lot. My lack of reading habit started to backfire. Everyone was raising their hands and excelling well in their studies. And I was lead into a dark path for relying most of the time upon teachers’ and classmates’ words of mouth. I lacked initiative, my mind did not understand complex information well despite the amazing visual memory I had. I could not connect cosequential and relating facts and not grasp reasoning well. I graduated high school, still not acquiring the habit to read and felt very miserably stupid.

College came, and the same attitude of still not wanting to read still persisted and consequences had became rough exponentially. It was the time in life when I was extremely conscious of my future, as it was a crucial transition from the educational phase to the decisive phase in future career directions, adding the fact that that future career would most likely be the source to feed myself. I had a hard time internally and officially branded myself as intelligent but really really stupid because of the same prevailing problems: lack of focus, inability to connect and build understandings among scattered yet related facts, and inexistent initiative to think.

Fast forward to two years before, I realized how I, joining a writers’ guild and befriending few artsy people, have surrounded myself with those who are interested with stories of escape and fantasy, same as I, but all of them seem to be faring well in their lives. I wondered why I possesed the same imaginative and inquisitive mind yet I don’t seem to grab information quickly.

It took a long time to observe everyone’s ways and like a glass crashing to the ground an internal breakthrough suddenly pinpointed the difference: everyone who I know reads. They read anything. It doesn’t matter if it is fiction or non-fiction. They read. It doesn’t matter if it is a textbook, a novel, or a self-help book. They read. But more than that… they read books with substance.

Aha! Then and there I vowed myself to read books as successively as possible. I challenged myself to read books of varying nature. I consulted self-help books, fiction, history, and also some academic textbooks and add to that a few internet and newspaper articles every now and then. Slowly did I noticed the changes that occured.

Reading taught me to communicate. The more I read, the more I can communicate. It is not just about the vocabulary that I hone everytime I read a new sentence and encounter a new word which can be looked up in a dictionary. It is not just about applying the same word in writing essays or in conversing with people. It is not just about to understand jargon and cultural context in varying situations. It is the full knowledge and confidence I gained that made me think highly of myself. Every time I read, I feel my brain getting heavier and I imagine the mechanics of my brain getting more complex.

Reading taught me to be imaginative. It taught me to construct from something as limiting and abstract as typed symbols into fantastical worlds and visions, it helped me imagine concepts and how one theory ties in with another theory, and most importantly, it helped me to feel and understand new situations and enter into a renewed kind of perspective. It taught me about each varying person’s socio-economic context. It to empathize and think. It taught me to think and be ideal. It taught me to translate those ideas into action and spark change.

Lastly, reading taught me to aspire for more. I have met individuals along my soul-searching and found out (and was intimidated by) how less I have learned through the years. I found out that reading creates a multi-faceted person because of the open-mindedness it cultivates. I found out that we can break tradition and norms in so many ways possible. I found out that it empowers you by knowing a wide range of possibilities ahead. It has, at least slowly as it is, changed me into a determined, active, and directive person.

I remember my professor back in college who encourages us to read if we feel we do not grasp any theoretical concept. At the time, I had shallow understanding of what she meant. As her advice resonates within my head I defenitely know now why she encouraged us so. Although I realized how lacking I am still when it comes to a multitude of information, knowledge, and skill, it is not too late for it gives me a drive to be a better person for now I have found out a secret weapon. It is through reading that our mind’s gears are turned, not matter how unoiled and rusty it may seem. Constant reading polishes the system of thinking, a manner which, if practiced perpetually, will make the gears act upon themselves, and, eventually, curiosity, initiative, creativity, and resolve will come after.

On Therapeutic Claiming

The stillness of these water plants soothes.

The stillness of these water plants soothes.

One reasons I thought of in starting this blog is to have a separate outlet of my creative self. I want to make myself represented the way I want it to be as opposed to embodying what people around me thought of how I might be or might become. This blogging universe is both personal and open to all and what I like most is managing that freedom to express while maintaining responsibility to my audience as opposed to having little to no voice at all.

It can be my reaction to all the struggles of identity issues (that goes beyond my sexuality issues) I have been facing. Now, as a young adult who needs a sense of self in the transition from youth to adulthood, no excuses are to be made. I will not lie down and mope around how unlucky my circumstances are. It can be that I am in a rebellious stage in my life that questions the norms, beliefs, and tradition that has been cultivated in my mind since I was young and eventually has been rooted firmly in my way of life. It may sound whiny and immature if viewed from a different perspective but if I let it bottle up inside, it will destroy me emotionally and physiologically. I must allow to air it out to make room for positive vibes – something that makes readership count. I want an exchange of point of views. I want new point of views to gain insight from. All I need is clarity of mind.

What I am excited about most is to reach that stage in my life when I feel no more resentment. As I have put in this blog, I admire art and music, but I did not mention that I like the people who create them as much. I look up to people who have reached the moment of acceptance of their pains and sufferings and learned how to eventually heal themselves. I like how both pain and clarity shaped their beliefs and fuel them to spread their message to the world with authenticity and fearlessness.

Maybe through candidness and self-permission will I be able to break the bonds and let myself fly, cliche as it sounds. Maybe through control in this little world of mine will I be able to trust myself in my decisions. Maybe through constant creative practice will I find more ways than one to express myself and reach others who feel the same. Maybe through this will I learn many lessons from experience and advice (from friends and friendly strangers alike). Maybe through this I can grow as a person and forget fears and doubts from the past.

I do have a concern of how to place my blog in this pigeon-holing modern world. It is inevitable to think about if I want to gain a target audience. There is this computer generated string analysis fuzz and I am afraid my blog is too personal and introspective to be categorized as something. However, as I have thought just moments before the end of this essay, this is my blog and I have only just begun. I will worry about it later. After all, I blog mainly for therapeutic purposes.

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This post is part of the Zero-to-Hero blogging series. This is Day 3.
I'm a Zero to Hero Blogger!

About Me: Me and My Blogging Plans

I want to be the happy version of me as this photo shows. (c) R. Malic, May 2013, Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan

I want to be the happy version of me as this photo shows.
(c) R. Malic, May 2013, Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan

Hi.

I am “Bones” Malic, now in my early 20’s, presently working in a financial services company, secretly dreaming to transfer into the creative industry. I take great interest in art, music, and a lot more… or should I say, a large spectrum of the human creative expression. I am also a contributor to TalkShop, the Best English School in the Philippines, and an aspiring artist.

The main reason I started to blog is to find out my creative niche. I am in a current search for who I am as a creative and it is a constant struggle for me to define and market myself without tapping into my “inner self.” Due to my introverted and introspective nature, that is a skill that I have to use to my advantage.

I have always felt a victim of circumstances and have always questioned my value as a soul that roams around the earth. I do not want to dwell too much into the details for I do not want those to interfere with my present endeavors. I have undergone a lot of re-awakenings to truly realize what I feel my soul is capable of contributing to the universe but it is not until someone who commented that I have a great potential for a writing career did I venture into writing. Hence, I am now blogging to express, to heal, and to improve myself personally.

I occasionally post some articles about Personality Development which are specifically contributed for another purpose. However, I do share some of my thoughts that both trouble and inspire me now and then, along with some of my drawings and artworks. Generally, I want to show the side of me that does not speak up that much.

I also want to be part of a creative community so I can interact and learn from fellow creative people so that I can acquire both practical information and ideal opinions, build my confidence, and have a support system resource that I can tap into. Also, who wouldn’t like to meet new people? I will not let my introversion get hold of my world views again. I want to speak my mind.

To sum it up, I started this blog to have a personal creative outlet, to know more about my abilities and what best ways to use them, and to find a creative community that is supportive and insightful. I hope that within the year I will build my still semi-erect spine of confidence find my creative writing niche and be able to find a good path from there.

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This post is part of the Zero-to-Hero blogging series.
I'm a Zero to Hero Blogger!

Communicating at Work

"Line of Communication"

“Through the Line of Communication”

A lot of us do not seem to invest our time in practicing professional communication. Yes, it is a non-universal rule and is not set in stone. Yet, there seems to be a culture developed that is founded on both courtesy and efficiency that corporate behavioral experts eventually compiled into books and applied into today’s corporate institutions. Be it oral or written form, it is more appealing if one masters good communication skills. It becomes a way of gauging one’s work ethic.

It helps if you become clear and concise with the message you need to come across. A single string of words can be interpreted into so many meanings. You must bear in mind to be selective and direct with the words you use. We have a tendency to think that using highfalutin words would make us more impressive and intelligent. However, such pompous words convey a sense of desperation for attention in delivering the message through lots of loops, turns, and hangs which are unnecessary. Also, it is helpful to equip yourself with a good roster of jargon in the field you are discussing to save you from being embarrassed since you will have better knowledge and understanding of the topics.

Another tip is to employ courtesy at all times. You do not want to appear rude to a colleague or boss. Lines of hierarchy and function must still be observed at all times because conflict must be handled smoothly and, as much as possible, non-aggressively. This is to maintain harmony and efficiency at work. However, assertion must not wane despite being polite. Too much respect can translate into being submissive, pointing all faults to yourself. Maintain your pride while admitting responsibility so your dignity remains intact.

Lastly, I suggest that in all interactions you do, be the best you can be. It is helpful to hint at your capabilities in order for people to remember you. For example, you may want to add some humor in your conversations so they can see your wit and cunning, or you may offer help when necessary to show that you are an accommodating person, or you can also write e-mails to indirectly advertise your good writing skills. A few hints of your personality, whether direct or indirect, are helpful to maintain your credibility.

Communication is the most obvious and accessible tool to get to know the kind of person you are and the value that you put into your profession. You must show behavior that exudes respect and clarity in your ideas create a smooth flow of activities in the workplace. Reading books on corporate culture and ethics will help. It is better to know a few references beforehand than to appear blind to these social cues. Nevertheless, experience is still the best teacher. So go ahead, learn to communicate competently and build your credibility as a professional.

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Roland Andre Malic is a creative writer and blogger who took writing and speech courses in TalkShop, under the guidance of Sheila Viesca, CEO and Director of Communication. Still finding out his niche in life, he is on the way to self-discovery by traversing creative ventures, a step at a time, which include writing and blogging. He also finds joy in watching mind-boggling films, reading about art and history, and exploring musicians and artists from eclectic genres.