Anxiety: My Crippling Through Thoughts Left Unexpressed

At Eternity's Gate, May 1890, Vincent van Gogh

At Eternity’s Gate, May 1890, Vincent van Gogh

The past year has given me a wonderful environment to look at myself and rearrange and remodel certain aspects of my life to be a better person. As, fearful as I had been, I successfully channeled that wasted energy into something that changed my mindset and habits. I learned useful techniques both from others and myself and I am very glad that I tried to expand my comfort zone to the limits I did not expect I would. The year 2013 was a year of abundant realizations and new experiences that I treasure it most.

This year has started with the perception that I will conquer the world with my new-found strength. I thought it would be easier for me now that I know something that uplifted my self worth and that this freshly welded armor of mindset is going to punch and break through all walls hurdling my way. Now in my current situation, I observe that it is not enough, for me at least.

What an instructor of mine said while attending a personality development class has now dug its way deeply into my understanding and I paraphrase him: You can improve a lot about yourself – the way you speak, the way you smile and pull your chin up, the way you carry yourself – but all that do not really matter unless you start from what is within.

It is true that what you feel about yourself manifests on how you act and how you display yourself. This is because, when put under pressure, the true you will come out in whatever form, no matter how extensively you apply things you have learned.

Looking into that realization, I am thinking about how much I have learned yet I feel I progressed only a bit. I am proud of the achievements I have made but I think I have not pounded and stressed on the core root of all my bitterness. I have always lived with lots of fears and apprehensions that it had reached into an unhealthy point – I keep on avoiding what I think will be best for me.

But now, I think I must address my issues differently. I will be more vocal about my fears and my thoughts. I will find an outlet to uproot all the bad weed that sip all the energy that would grant opportunities for love and growth. I will address the anxieties that run through my brain and that will only be through trusting the right people with whatever my condition and situation is.

I don’t want to contradict myself anymore by trying to appear okay all the time.

Only through making amends with myself will I be able to mend my brokenness. Only by giving myself more chances will I be able to relieve the pain. Only when I see a bright future will I be able to live freely and passionately.

Advertisements

Quest for The Complete Package

I have always been on the brink of loss, as if something astonishing or something big and defining has been deprived of me or taken away. It’s as if something is still not there, just like a massive chunk of jigsaw pieces still left scattered, yet to be solved. I have always wondered how I have come to be this young man possessing a cortex of imaginative activity that, instead of triggering the mind to think about changing the world, thinks about how I should change myself to be good enough.

I have always felt the need to play the role of another, literally copying what another’s defining attribute seem to be, hoping to get the same kind of attention. Sometimes, I’d literally ask for attention by doing things outside of my comfort zone just to make others like me. I defined being like-able as a number game: the frequency of interactions with other people, the number of times people approach a person, the number of social media activity with its responses (a dreadful measure, really), and how much a name gets tangled up in both honest chatter and savvy gossiping.

However, what I have observed about likability is something that opened my mind and has got me thinking a lot: it all starts from home. It is how the basic forefront in my upbringing that determines how others treat me. How I view myself is how I allow others to view me as and how I view myself as is how my earliest influences view me. It makes sense then that people who are likable and “popular” has been liked by some, at least, in the best possible way.

Acceptance matters. But up to now, i don’t feel such in myself. There is this silent force within me that shuns me when I’m about to speak my mind. There is an invisible force that wraps around my body when it wants to be genuinely daring and feisty. There is this need to always be polite and “good.” Submission and disregard for one’s own favor which has been brought about by ineffective familial system. A basic foundation that tells you to maintain tons of criteria to be worthy of existence continuously from an early age up to present adulthood causes an almost permanent heartbreak that manifests early on in early human development that haunts it remains and echos to the present.

I know it’s too late for me to talk about this considering my current adulthood but isn’t it time to demand attention and ultimately acceptance?

I think that I deserve to be of worth, respect, and love and I will work on my fears and my anxieties that have rooted from the lack of acceptance imprinted upon me by the people who I should be looking up to. After the storms have finished raging inside me will I live that I am good enough to be liked and loved by the people I choose. After all the hurt have been healed will I learn that a better life awaits me. Maybe then will I find the genuineness and worth that I will use to be of good influence to those around me.

—————————————————————————————————

This post is part of the Zero-to-Hero blogging series. This is Day 6. I have to catch up, I know.
I'm a Zero to Hero Blogger!

Anger Realizations

My outbursts of anger caused too much hurt like burns and scratches to others and most specially to myself

My outbursts of anger caused too much hurt, much like burns and scratches, to others and most specially to myself

“Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” 

–  Aristotle

Despite the calm demeanor that I often put on as a façade, one who has keen observation could tell that I have anger management issues. Petty annoyances and pet peeves can cause my irritations – from slight sharp mutter of “Tsk!” to a range of full blown outpour of continuous yelling. I tend to be impatient, bratty, and easily distracted. It has cost me so much in terms of maintaining relationships and mental health issues. I came to realize that anger is a natural human reaction, not a human fault. How anger manifests in a person, well, is another story.

Entertaining anger has narrowed my manner of thinking. The moments were spent on self-destructive and time-consuming. It is like a horse’s eye blinkers that cover the peripheral vision. Anger limits my view into black and white and disregards the gray zone where reason and possibilities lie. Instead of finding solutions, I let myself be consumed by negativity.

When these irrational thoughts linger for a long time, sooner or later, they become apparent in the manner I act and speak. Even if I try to diminish my temper, I could not keep my body from shaking and my face from being tense. My breath starts to speed up and I can feel my blood flowing up my brain waiting to explode. An extreme force is emanating from the core and radiates outward.

Without a healthy outlet to simmer out the pressure, I often dispense out my tension that might hurt, or worse, destroy others. I cause damage that can be irreversible once cast. Bridges are burned and I do not realize the hurt I caused until I myself feel it, slowly creeping in my conscience. The thought of something happy and prosperous just turns into dust just because of non sense. However painful it may be whenever it crosses my mind, I know that I learned from it.

It is hard for us to remember that anger is just a warning that something is not in the right order. It is a sudden boost of energy meant to empower but not to destroy. When I let my anger rule over my system, it transforms me into an irrational, unproductive and destructive monster. I repel people, I kick opportunities away, and I mess up my health. I attract unnecessary negativity. I often laugh at the immature ogre I was after a bout of anger has passed. The next time I feel anger, I must learn to control myself from rage. I must channel my anger into something healing or positive. I can jog a mile, listen to music, or call a friend. I cook a meal, write an article, or help a stranger. Anything that is positive will lessen the stress I apply on myself.

Roland Andre Malic is a creative writer and blogger who took writing and speech courses in TalkShop Philippines, under the mentorship of Sheila Viesca, CEO and Director of Communication. Still finding out his niche in life, he is on the way to self-discovery by traversing creative ventures, a step at a time, which include writing and blogging. He also finds joy in watching mind-boggling films, reading about art and history, and exploring musicians and artists from eclectic genres.