Anxiety: My Crippling Through Thoughts Left Unexpressed

At Eternity's Gate, May 1890, Vincent van Gogh

At Eternity’s Gate, May 1890, Vincent van Gogh

The past year has given me a wonderful environment to look at myself and rearrange and remodel certain aspects of my life to be a better person. As, fearful as I had been, I successfully channeled that wasted energy into something that changed my mindset and habits. I learned useful techniques both from others and myself and I am very glad that I tried to expand my comfort zone to the limits I did not expect I would. The year 2013 was a year of abundant realizations and new experiences that I treasure it most.

This year has started with the perception that I will conquer the world with my new-found strength. I thought it would be easier for me now that I know something that uplifted my self worth and that this freshly welded armor of mindset is going to punch and break through all walls hurdling my way. Now in my current situation, I observe that it is not enough, for me at least.

What an instructor of mine said while attending a personality development class has now dug its way deeply into my understanding and I paraphrase him: You can improve a lot about yourself – the way you speak, the way you smile and pull your chin up, the way you carry yourself – but all that do not really matter unless you start from what is within.

It is true that what you feel about yourself manifests on how you act and how you display yourself. This is because, when put under pressure, the true you will come out in whatever form, no matter how extensively you apply things you have learned.

Looking into that realization, I am thinking about how much I have learned yet I feel I progressed only a bit. I am proud of the achievements I have made but I think I have not pounded and stressed on the core root of all my bitterness. I have always lived with lots of fears and apprehensions that it had reached into an unhealthy point – I keep on avoiding what I think will be best for me.

But now, I think I must address my issues differently. I will be more vocal about my fears and my thoughts. I will find an outlet to uproot all the bad weed that sip all the energy that would grant opportunities for love and growth. I will address the anxieties that run through my brain and that will only be through trusting the right people with whatever my condition and situation is.

I don’t want to contradict myself anymore by trying to appear okay all the time.

Only through making amends with myself will I be able to mend my brokenness. Only by giving myself more chances will I be able to relieve the pain. Only when I see a bright future will I be able to live freely and passionately.

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Quest for The Complete Package

I have always been on the brink of loss, as if something astonishing or something big and defining has been deprived of me or taken away. It’s as if something is still not there, just like a massive chunk of jigsaw pieces still left scattered, yet to be solved. I have always wondered how I have come to be this young man possessing a cortex of imaginative activity that, instead of triggering the mind to think about changing the world, thinks about how I should change myself to be good enough.

I have always felt the need to play the role of another, literally copying what another’s defining attribute seem to be, hoping to get the same kind of attention. Sometimes, I’d literally ask for attention by doing things outside of my comfort zone just to make others like me. I defined being like-able as a number game: the frequency of interactions with other people, the number of times people approach a person, the number of social media activity with its responses (a dreadful measure, really), and how much a name gets tangled up in both honest chatter and savvy gossiping.

However, what I have observed about likability is something that opened my mind and has got me thinking a lot: it all starts from home. It is how the basic forefront in my upbringing that determines how others treat me. How I view myself is how I allow others to view me as and how I view myself as is how my earliest influences view me. It makes sense then that people who are likable and “popular” has been liked by some, at least, in the best possible way.

Acceptance matters. But up to now, i don’t feel such in myself. There is this silent force within me that shuns me when I’m about to speak my mind. There is an invisible force that wraps around my body when it wants to be genuinely daring and feisty. There is this need to always be polite and “good.” Submission and disregard for one’s own favor which has been brought about by ineffective familial system. A basic foundation that tells you to maintain tons of criteria to be worthy of existence continuously from an early age up to present adulthood causes an almost permanent heartbreak that manifests early on in early human development that haunts it remains and echos to the present.

I know it’s too late for me to talk about this considering my current adulthood but isn’t it time to demand attention and ultimately acceptance?

I think that I deserve to be of worth, respect, and love and I will work on my fears and my anxieties that have rooted from the lack of acceptance imprinted upon me by the people who I should be looking up to. After the storms have finished raging inside me will I live that I am good enough to be liked and loved by the people I choose. After all the hurt have been healed will I learn that a better life awaits me. Maybe then will I find the genuineness and worth that I will use to be of good influence to those around me.

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This post is part of the Zero-to-Hero blogging series. This is Day 6. I have to catch up, I know.
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On Therapeutic Claiming

The stillness of these water plants soothes.

The stillness of these water plants soothes.

One reasons I thought of in starting this blog is to have a separate outlet of my creative self. I want to make myself represented the way I want it to be as opposed to embodying what people around me thought of how I might be or might become. This blogging universe is both personal and open to all and what I like most is managing that freedom to express while maintaining responsibility to my audience as opposed to having little to no voice at all.

It can be my reaction to all the struggles of identity issues (that goes beyond my sexuality issues) I have been facing. Now, as a young adult who needs a sense of self in the transition from youth to adulthood, no excuses are to be made. I will not lie down and mope around how unlucky my circumstances are. It can be that I am in a rebellious stage in my life that questions the norms, beliefs, and tradition that has been cultivated in my mind since I was young and eventually has been rooted firmly in my way of life. It may sound whiny and immature if viewed from a different perspective but if I let it bottle up inside, it will destroy me emotionally and physiologically. I must allow to air it out to make room for positive vibes – something that makes readership count. I want an exchange of point of views. I want new point of views to gain insight from. All I need is clarity of mind.

What I am excited about most is to reach that stage in my life when I feel no more resentment. As I have put in this blog, I admire art and music, but I did not mention that I like the people who create them as much. I look up to people who have reached the moment of acceptance of their pains and sufferings and learned how to eventually heal themselves. I like how both pain and clarity shaped their beliefs and fuel them to spread their message to the world with authenticity and fearlessness.

Maybe through candidness and self-permission will I be able to break the bonds and let myself fly, cliche as it sounds. Maybe through control in this little world of mine will I be able to trust myself in my decisions. Maybe through constant creative practice will I find more ways than one to express myself and reach others who feel the same. Maybe through this will I learn many lessons from experience and advice (from friends and friendly strangers alike). Maybe through this I can grow as a person and forget fears and doubts from the past.

I do have a concern of how to place my blog in this pigeon-holing modern world. It is inevitable to think about if I want to gain a target audience. There is this computer generated string analysis fuzz and I am afraid my blog is too personal and introspective to be categorized as something. However, as I have thought just moments before the end of this essay, this is my blog and I have only just begun. I will worry about it later. After all, I blog mainly for therapeutic purposes.

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This post is part of the Zero-to-Hero blogging series. This is Day 3.
I'm a Zero to Hero Blogger!

A Clear Product of Discernment

My supposed speech…

October 12, 2013

Looking back on last week’s speeches of self promotion, I observed how people in this class are passionate about their professions. It is as if their profession defines them. With that in mind, I also remembered a material that I read before. What we do in our life defines who we are. So as I was creating the draft of this speech, I was constantly asking myself, “What am I supposed to be? How must I present myself to you?” We are born in this world for a purpose and it is a great waste to not realize and use the gift of life given to us. After all this whirlwind of confused and unstructured thought, it hit me. I chose to take part in this workshop to enhance my skills primarily to confidently create something. I came to realize that I am a generator of good insights.

I have an introverted temperament and along with this is the characteristic of being a listener and a thinker. However, I am more than just a good listener; I am a good information absorber. I am sensitive to detail and sensations so I can share my observations in a more heighted sense. I also practice my best to be an open-minded most of the time. I am excited in new information and trivia. This interest helps me listen to different points of view and enables me to assess the perspective from which they came from. This open-mindedness enables me to metamorphose into someone better.

After taking in all the information presented to me, I do my best to process them thoroughly.  As I have mentioned earlier, I am a thinker and less of a talker. I am a person who undergoes discernment most of the time and it helps determining the pros and cons of a situation. I am less aggressive naturally but this does not necessarily bring me down. In fact, it serves me well because it proves that I want the win-win situation to happen most of the time instead of the win-lose one. Everything can be fairly easily resolved, right?

Lastly, I have not mentioned to most in this class that I am also taking the Creative Writing course here in TalkShop. What is the importance of it to my premise? I can say that I can write extraordinarily well. Well, at least in the right conditions. There are moments when I am in deep thought and I am able to express the thought in writing. My mouth is shut and my mind is always running. That is what triggered me to write. I have to put out the thoughts I have. It is because of two reasons: Good thoughts might rot inside, and bad thoughts must be released. My talent of thought and writing is a gift that makes me communicate in a different manner. I can write realizations and present them to people. I can translate ideas of people into an improved version or along with my opinion. I can spread messages and interpretations with extreme thought as opposed to comments in Youtube videos made out of blabber, close-mindedness and spontaneity. I can create blog entries of self-reflections rather than posting food on Instagram taking credit from it but primarily it is not their own creation. I am a person who tries to be sensible in most outputs I do.

With those characteristics of mine in mind, I realized just at the time of writing this speech that how I view myself was a little bit skewed and all over the place. In the processing of structuring this speech, I found out that by just finding the right point of view of looking at an impossible subject can make sense out of things you want to express. I can now say that I have the gift of observance, discernment, processing and creation. I can listen, think and write. I have the potential to speak out for those who are shunned, the potential to express opinions that can address a wider audience mainly through the thriving media outlets in this modern age and the potential to touch people’s hearts for a call of action to make a change. Apart from the confused self that was last week, this is the new version of how I view myself. That’s my take. Thank you for listening.

*Special thanks to TalkShop for challenging me to write this essay.