Anxiety: My Crippling Through Thoughts Left Unexpressed

At Eternity's Gate, May 1890, Vincent van Gogh

At Eternity’s Gate, May 1890, Vincent van Gogh

The past year has given me a wonderful environment to look at myself and rearrange and remodel certain aspects of my life to be a better person. As, fearful as I had been, I successfully channeled that wasted energy into something that changed my mindset and habits. I learned useful techniques both from others and myself and I am very glad that I tried to expand my comfort zone to the limits I did not expect I would. The year 2013 was a year of abundant realizations and new experiences that I treasure it most.

This year has started with the perception that I will conquer the world with my new-found strength. I thought it would be easier for me now that I know something that uplifted my self worth and that this freshly welded armor of mindset is going to punch and break through all walls hurdling my way. Now in my current situation, I observe that it is not enough, for me at least.

What an instructor of mine said while attending a personality development class has now dug its way deeply into my understanding and I paraphrase him: You can improve a lot about yourself – the way you speak, the way you smile and pull your chin up, the way you carry yourself – but all that do not really matter unless you start from what is within.

It is true that what you feel about yourself manifests on how you act and how you display yourself. This is because, when put under pressure, the true you will come out in whatever form, no matter how extensively you apply things you have learned.

Looking into that realization, I am thinking about how much I have learned yet I feel I progressed only a bit. I am proud of the achievements I have made but I think I have not pounded and stressed on the core root of all my bitterness. I have always lived with lots of fears and apprehensions that it had reached into an unhealthy point – I keep on avoiding what I think will be best for me.

But now, I think I must address my issues differently. I will be more vocal about my fears and my thoughts. I will find an outlet to uproot all the bad weed that sip all the energy that would grant opportunities for love and growth. I will address the anxieties that run through my brain and that will only be through trusting the right people with whatever my condition and situation is.

I don’t want to contradict myself anymore by trying to appear okay all the time.

Only through making amends with myself will I be able to mend my brokenness. Only by giving myself more chances will I be able to relieve the pain. Only when I see a bright future will I be able to live freely and passionately.

What’s Blocking You?

photo by Heidi J., photo manipulation by R. Malic Apparently, I brood too much than I actually am aware of

photo by Heidi J., photo manipulation by R. Malic
Apparently, I brood too much than I actually am aware of.

Right now, an indefinable entity has blocked my thoughts; something inexplicable that no words can describe it. I try to grasp its existence; its heaviness fills me with wariness. It drives me insane. After a few moments, I came to realize that it doesn’t really obstruct my thoughts, per se, because I am still able to write and type from my head. This mental block hinders more than it inhibits me from producing something worthwhile to read. It makes it difficult to release my creativity as it tries to stop me from doing what I do best.

From this point on, I will do my best not to succumb to this fear. I do not want to show up next time without a well-made output or present a product made out of force. But that is the issue. How can I create routinely something when writing motivation and inspiration often come out spontaneously? I am doing it right now – I write without a rigid and specific cause or aim. Just write. No thoughts pulled back. No ideas to be disturbed. Every single word is flowing out as I write this draft. I picture a thread of words being spindled into refinery. These golden thoughts will shine in the sun with its radiance reflected and cast upon the reader’s eyes.

If I give in to perfection, there will be no room for creativity as everything becomes contrived, confined and inhibited. A breath of fresh air is all I need! Move, move, MOVE! Push that critic past the cliff and let him fall without regard into oblivion. Break his soul sucking incantation before he breaks me down. Ride those imaginary wheels and fly into the skies, wind brushing past my face and hair. I am enjoying this ride while regurgitating this mental asphyxiation.

But then… halt! I thought I finally got rid of it! I hushed it out, didn’t I? But here it comes again peeping and booing like a phantom in the night. Punch it in the face! Consciously empower myself to defeat it! These monsters in my head are there because I am facing a new level of discomfort. Why can’t these thoughts let me act the way I do? I certainly won’t lie in bed again and make it as an excuse. I cannot think anything, right? Why not attack it? Have I noticed that I made it to the fourth paragraph? What is this inner critic still babbling about?

I hope I learned my lesson. It is hard and unnerving when I try to grasp what is supposed to be the right words or the right style. Although it seems counterintuitive, it helps to write without limits. Great things happen without victimizing one’s self from an obviously temporary slump (in my case, I need little doses of neuroses). I must take that first step, and immediately follow it with one more, slowly but surely. Then, I can go places – without aim or direction, yet enamored by action, movement, and sudden development.

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Roland Andre Malic is a creative writer and blogger who took writing and speech courses in TalkShop, under the guidance of Sheila Viesca, CEO and Director of Communication. Still finding out his niche in life, he is on the way to self-discovery by traversing creative ventures, a step at a time, which include writing and blogging. He also finds joy in watching mind-boggling films, reading about art and history, and exploring musicians and artists from eclectic genres.

Better toTake a Break than to Break Down

Whenever I get annoyed, I draw images like this. Quite productive, isn't it?

Whenever I get annoyed, I draw images like this. Quite productive, isn’t it?

I was on the edge of pulling my hair out of frustration to create an article. It had been a week since this assignment was given to me and I have not yet finished a thing. Since I had managed to make four articles a week on average, I challenged my self to make six to eight articles these two weeks. Little I did know that I had put on so much pressure on myself. This is so because I seem to be off beat from my usual creative flow.

Earlier the previous week, I set a private space and time for myself and my assignments. I had a good routine – I did my free writing activity first before entertaining interruptions and then I started to work. This week was different though, I gave in to these interruptions out of not wanting to be pressured. Then it came, the weekend with so much regret and irritation for not producing one thing. I decided to put it off until the muse of creativity granted me inspiration. I waited for everything to run smoothly and naturally.

To break the pressure, I let myself be distracted by doing something else. I continued and finished a drawing that I left uncared for for two weeks. The pencil drawing the week before is now outlined in ink. Since it was Halloween, I also watched a few horror flicks while munching on junk food. Out of curiosity, I tried to listen to an internet guided meditation on astral projection (almost to no avail). I even worked out to release some endorphins. Lastly, for the first time after so many weeks of being busy and exhausted, I had an in-depth and important chat with my family,

I am glad to put off the pressure. It feels good that a few of the distractions made me come back and believe that I can push through. Before I let it take over me, I halted it. Now, I am thankful to produce something, albeit unrelated to my assignment. But then, I produced something, didn’t I?