Quest for The Complete Package

I have always been on the brink of loss, as if something astonishing or something big and defining has been deprived of me or taken away. It’s as if something is still not there, just like a massive chunk of jigsaw pieces still left scattered, yet to be solved. I have always wondered how I have come to be this young man possessing a cortex of imaginative activity that, instead of triggering the mind to think about changing the world, thinks about how I should change myself to be good enough.

I have always felt the need to play the role of another, literally copying what another’s defining attribute seem to be, hoping to get the same kind of attention. Sometimes, I’d literally ask for attention by doing things outside of my comfort zone just to make others like me. I defined being like-able as a number game: the frequency of interactions with other people, the number of times people approach a person, the number of social media activity with its responses (a dreadful measure, really), and how much a name gets tangled up in both honest chatter and savvy gossiping.

However, what I have observed about likability is something that opened my mind and has got me thinking a lot: it all starts from home. It is how the basic forefront in my upbringing that determines how others treat me. How I view myself is how I allow others to view me as and how I view myself as is how my earliest influences view me. It makes sense then that people who are likable and “popular” has been liked by some, at least, in the best possible way.

Acceptance matters. But up to now, i don’t feel such in myself. There is this silent force within me that shuns me when I’m about to speak my mind. There is an invisible force that wraps around my body when it wants to be genuinely daring and feisty. There is this need to always be polite and “good.” Submission and disregard for one’s own favor which has been brought about by ineffective familial system. A basic foundation that tells you to maintain tons of criteria to be worthy of existence continuously from an early age up to present adulthood causes an almost permanent heartbreak that manifests early on in early human development that haunts it remains and echos to the present.

I know it’s too late for me to talk about this considering my current adulthood but isn’t it time to demand attention and ultimately acceptance?

I think that I deserve to be of worth, respect, and love and I will work on my fears and my anxieties that have rooted from the lack of acceptance imprinted upon me by the people who I should be looking up to. After the storms have finished raging inside me will I live that I am good enough to be liked and loved by the people I choose. After all the hurt have been healed will I learn that a better life awaits me. Maybe then will I find the genuineness and worth that I will use to be of good influence to those around me.

—————————————————————————————————

This post is part of the Zero-to-Hero blogging series. This is Day 6. I have to catch up, I know.
I'm a Zero to Hero Blogger!

On Therapeutic Claiming

The stillness of these water plants soothes.

The stillness of these water plants soothes.

One reasons I thought of in starting this blog is to have a separate outlet of my creative self. I want to make myself represented the way I want it to be as opposed to embodying what people around me thought of how I might be or might become. This blogging universe is both personal and open to all and what I like most is managing that freedom to express while maintaining responsibility to my audience as opposed to having little to no voice at all.

It can be my reaction to all the struggles of identity issues (that goes beyond my sexuality issues) I have been facing. Now, as a young adult who needs a sense of self in the transition from youth to adulthood, no excuses are to be made. I will not lie down and mope around how unlucky my circumstances are. It can be that I am in a rebellious stage in my life that questions the norms, beliefs, and tradition that has been cultivated in my mind since I was young and eventually has been rooted firmly in my way of life. It may sound whiny and immature if viewed from a different perspective but if I let it bottle up inside, it will destroy me emotionally and physiologically. I must allow to air it out to make room for positive vibes – something that makes readership count. I want an exchange of point of views. I want new point of views to gain insight from. All I need is clarity of mind.

What I am excited about most is to reach that stage in my life when I feel no more resentment. As I have put in this blog, I admire art and music, but I did not mention that I like the people who create them as much. I look up to people who have reached the moment of acceptance of their pains and sufferings and learned how to eventually heal themselves. I like how both pain and clarity shaped their beliefs and fuel them to spread their message to the world with authenticity and fearlessness.

Maybe through candidness and self-permission will I be able to break the bonds and let myself fly, cliche as it sounds. Maybe through control in this little world of mine will I be able to trust myself in my decisions. Maybe through constant creative practice will I find more ways than one to express myself and reach others who feel the same. Maybe through this will I learn many lessons from experience and advice (from friends and friendly strangers alike). Maybe through this I can grow as a person and forget fears and doubts from the past.

I do have a concern of how to place my blog in this pigeon-holing modern world. It is inevitable to think about if I want to gain a target audience. There is this computer generated string analysis fuzz and I am afraid my blog is too personal and introspective to be categorized as something. However, as I have thought just moments before the end of this essay, this is my blog and I have only just begun. I will worry about it later. After all, I blog mainly for therapeutic purposes.

—————————————————————————————————

This post is part of the Zero-to-Hero blogging series. This is Day 3.
I'm a Zero to Hero Blogger!

About Me: Me and My Blogging Plans

I want to be the happy version of me as this photo shows. (c) R. Malic, May 2013, Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan

I want to be the happy version of me as this photo shows.
(c) R. Malic, May 2013, Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan

Hi.

I am “Bones” Malic, now in my early 20’s, presently working in a financial services company, secretly dreaming to transfer into the creative industry. I take great interest in art, music, and a lot more… or should I say, a large spectrum of the human creative expression. I am also a contributor to TalkShop,¬†the Best English School in the Philippines, and an aspiring artist.

The main reason I started to blog is to find out my creative niche. I am in a current search for who I am as a creative and it is a constant struggle for me to define and market myself without tapping into my “inner self.” Due to my introverted and introspective nature, that is a skill that I have to use to my advantage.

I have always felt a victim of circumstances and have always questioned my value as a soul that roams around the earth. I do not want to dwell too much into the details for I do not want those to interfere with my present endeavors. I have undergone a lot of re-awakenings to truly realize what I feel my soul is capable of contributing to the universe but it is not until someone who commented that I have a great potential for a writing career did I venture into writing. Hence, I am now blogging to express, to heal, and to improve myself personally.

I occasionally post some articles about Personality Development which are specifically contributed for another purpose. However, I do share some of my thoughts that both trouble and inspire me now and then, along with some of my drawings and artworks. Generally, I want to show the side of me that does not speak up that much.

I also want to be part of a creative community so I can interact and learn from fellow creative people so that I can acquire both practical information and ideal opinions, build my confidence, and have a support system resource that I can tap into. Also, who wouldn’t like to meet new people? I will not let my introversion get hold of my world views again. I want to speak my mind.

To sum it up, I started this blog to have a personal creative outlet, to know more about my abilities and what best ways to use them, and to find a creative community that is supportive and insightful. I hope that within the year I will build my still semi-erect spine of confidence find my creative writing niche and be able to find a good path from there.

—————————————————————————————————

This post is part of the Zero-to-Hero blogging series.
I'm a Zero to Hero Blogger!